he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
