At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
