Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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