the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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