i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
