I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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