I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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