haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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