my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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