end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
