I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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