id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Houston, we have a squirter
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
