Ambien. No doubt about it.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
When are your genitals available?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Randomize
