Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
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I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
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I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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