So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
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Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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