Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
