I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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