I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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