If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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