so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
