Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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