tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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