literally had 100 drinks last night.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
