When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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