You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize
