Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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