Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
