Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
