If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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