Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Is Oprah even human
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
