somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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