she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
