i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
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Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
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The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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