No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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