3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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