Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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