if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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