Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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