In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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