i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize