New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
