nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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