For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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