only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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