Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
