He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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