oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
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