My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
