The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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