You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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