I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
