so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
